How to help others without sacrificing your happiness Cyndera Quackenbusch
Most families have at least one. Maybe you are. The stable, healthy, and organized person who happens to be in the prime of life.
You are the person helping a family member with a mental illness or disability, or simply an aging parent. As a consistent, it is part of your privilege to help those who are less fortunate.
When you’re in this situation, you may feel overwhelmed and ask yourself, “Yes, but how much am I giving? Is there a line that is just too much?”
Give yourself permission to take care of yourself while helping others in the ways you are able.
create boundaries can be guilt-ridden and complicated.
Remember that the lifeboat metaphor is appropriate for this situation.
Certain individuals undoubtedly have sane ships capable of handing out whole lifeboats to their loved ones in need. The other 99% of us have a livelihood that may be held by just a thread — or two. We just can’t take it all on or we risk sinking our own lifeboat. Then who can we help?
It’s so important to remember to also pay attention to your own needs as a vital caregiver in someone else’s life.
Here are 9 lifesavers to help your family deal with mental illness:
1. Start by figuring out what’s important in your life.
Those are the things that are non-negotiable, that you will not sacrifice for anyone or anything. Is it your relationship with your spouse? Provide stability and security to the children in your life? The career you worked hard for? Money in your savings account?
Write these things down and draw a protective circle around them. No matter what happens to a family member, you will not willingly risk these vital aspects of your life.
2. Find out what you CAN do and do it.
Do the above spheres remain intact? Then this is something you can do. Be clear and consistent in telling your family member what you can and cannot do. Be true to your word so you don’t confuse your needy family member (or yourself) in future situations.
3. You are not alone.
Often there isn’t just one functioning family member who can help. Ask for the help you need.
After you determine what you can do, tell other family members or friends that the person in need may need additional help, which they may be willing to provide. Where family and friends fall short, professional resources can be accessed.
4. “Help me so I can help you.”
It’s a common concern that people with mental illnesses or addictions refuse to get the help they need, even when it’s available to them. Let them know they have to meet you halfway.
If they refuse the treatment they need from professionals, let them know that you cannot bridge the gap for their refusal. The suffering for which there is a solution that you do not want to accept must not become your problem.
5. Self-sufficiency
Yes, we hear a lot about self-care these days. For those caring for family members with mental illness, you can double down on that need for self-care. How can you help others when your basic needs are not being met? There are both physical and emotional strains of caring for family and friends with great needs.
If I wanted to visit a mentally ill family member, I used to do it cheaply. I would put up with my family member’s declining well-being and then return to a creepy shared apartment with an overflowing toilet.
My own well-being would become so bare that a rude security guard would be enough to send me sobbing to the airport. After that I decided to save and invest in the best hotel I could afford while visiting my family member. I ate good food, danced to some local bands, and watched comedy shows (laughter is the BEST medicine). Instead of returning with tears, I returned with stories.
advertisement feeling stressed?
You are not alone. Nearly 3 million others have sought professional online therapy.
Get 15% off with BetterHelp today!
Yes, it was partly sad, but it was also a joyful, fulfilling life experience.
6. Eating and drinking as medicine (not as drug)
When we’re stressed, most of us are tempted to eat, overeat, and drink alcohol to try to drown out our emotions. Be aware of your impulses. Eat as much as possible to nourish yourself. To me, this looked like getting some veggie bibimbap from my favorite Korean barbecue spot.
Take it easy and be radically forgiving when you make a mistake. A cocktail might be just what the doctor ordered after a long, stressful encounter, but when that turns into three or five drinks, it’s time to reevaluate how you deal with stress.
Rethink your self-care, can the cost of these drinks go towards a massage or other indulgence instead?
7. Have your own schedule.
When there is a person in need in our life, it can seem almost automatically that they are the focus of our attention and our schedules.
Restore your sanity to the center by having your own schedule and sticking to it. Are morning yoga, afternoon writing sessions and dinners with husband and kids important to you? Don’t sacrifice these mainstays of your schedule.
View and respond to your family members’ non-urgent requests when they’re available. Never sacrifice your sleep for your own health.
8th. Allow and recognize chaos.
Mental illnesses, especially when left untreated, lead to illogical, senseless, and chaotic encounters. Recognize it for what it is – insanity – and don’t let the drama or confusing reality swallow you up. It’s not you, it’s not yours. Do what you can calmly and withdraw from the rest when you can to take a break. There will be times when you feel sucked in, and that’s just the nature of relationship insanity.
Forgive yourself, forgive your family member and recognize each day as a new day.
9 . educate yourself.
There isn’t just “crazy”. There’s mental illness, illness, addiction, codependency, and so on, each with their own resources, groups, and fabulous books to help you understand your family member’s condition.
Take the time to educate yourself to build your empathy and personal toolkit for connecting with your family member in need.
After reading NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity I learned from Steve Silberman that we all possess genetic traits that for some end up being a cocktail of mental challenges.
If we are able to thrive in society (often due to small traits of those exact same genetics), understanding and supporting our less fortunate siblings is vital. Ideally, society itself will understand this importance and care for everyone despite their neurodiverse makeup.
While the responsibility rests on our own shoulders, we must do our best to continue to thrive and take charge of ourselves lest we sink our own lifeboats. If our own boat stays stable on the surface, we can continue to be helpful and healthy lifesavers.
More for you on YourTango:
Cyndera Quackenbush, MA offers nature-based readings and self-care retreats online and in the San Francisco Bay Area. Learn more here.
Seven tips to encourage your child to exercise
Parallels between the psychology of money and life after cancer
Life Time Reports Second Quarter Fiscal 2022 Financial Results
About The Author
